Bros Before Hoes
by: Alex Blackstone

I would like to address the issue of “Bros before hoes” (also referred to as “Chicks before dicks”) as an utterly simplistic and entirely selfish concept that promotes favoritism and unfair prioritization social relationships. Please note that this particular post (unlike most everything else I have posted thus far) is neither a reaction to something I have recently experienced, nor is it an attack on anyone that has used this phrase (or something akin to it) in regards to they way that I choose to conduct my relationships or allocate my time; it is simply a written account of what I was thinking about in the shower this morning. This phrase has always irked me for myriad reasons and I figured that I would clear up some things by expressing the reasoning behind my disgruntlement towards this particular notion.

For those of you who do not know (which I am certain are not many), “Bros before Hoes,” which I will now refer to as “BBH,” is an expression that express the social idea that a person’s friends (the people you hang out with on a regular basis) should always and under any and all circumstances come before their significant other (the person you are dating/pursuing/screwing) under the grounds that friendships are permanent and participants in romantic or serially monogamous relationships are impermanent, and therefore expendable. The basic reasoning behind this idea is understandable, as the biological and social differences in behavior and ideology between men and women are often catalysts for conflict within (as well as for the eventual depletion of) romantic relationships, and friendships are more often based on long-lasting reliability and common ground. This reasoning is also based entirely on generalities without regard to individual circumstances and the “give and take” principle that should be customary in all relationships, romantic or otherwise. Just because I call you my “friend,” does not mean that you automatically take priority over my boyfriend, regardless of who “came first.”

People seem to think that knowing a person for x number of years somehow gives them some sort of entitlement when it comes to said person’s attention, as if one should do things for the people they love on a “first come, first serve” basis rather than one of need, importance, or sentiment. This is an entirely individualistic and selfish idea. I love my friends and I would never flake out on someone’s birthday for some poon, just as I would not walk away from an unsolved conflict with my boyfriend to the movies with you. It is how good of a friend you are to me, not how old of a friend you are, that will determine who I am going accommodate when my anniversary dinner is interrupted by a phone call that consists of a one-sided conversation regarding how awful What’s-His-Face (who I probably said you shouldn’t be with in the first place, because I hate most of the guys that my friends pursue) is in bed.

“That’s so shitty of you. BBH, no matter what. This is important.”

Well, hon, dinner with my boyfriend to celebrate our relationship with WONDERFUL SEX (which you’re not having, HA!) on our anniversary take priority. Tell me all about Mr.Wonderful’s tiny penis later, kay?

Contrary to popular belief, said boyfriend will receive the same treatment from me when you need help getting ready for that big date with the new ugly boy that you have been eyeing and he is bored because there’s no one at home to play GGX-2 with. It all comes down to importance, not preference. What should I do, comfort my best friend when she has had her heartbroken, or watch Battlestar Galactica the boyfriend? Help the boyfriend write a paper, or go shopping with the best friend for shit that I really do not need? Of course, priorities vary from person to person, and I realize that the importance of promises and plans do as well.

Please, avoid hypocrisy at all costs.

“I told you about this yesterday,”
“Well then, you shouldn’t have flaked, sorry.”
“God, you’re always ditching me for your effing boyfriend.”

If you are going to expect me to jump at the opportunity to hang out when you unreliable self has called me to cancel and re-plan things ten times already, then do not expect me to be understanding when you choose to hang out with your love interest instead of helping me with our group project.

However, I expect understanding from both the home-girl and the significant other in regards to my priorities and things that “just come up,” as the role expectations of “best friend,” and “girlfriend,” clash on a too-regular basis, and my good friends are fully aware of this.

Here is where it gets tricky, so I am just going to lay it on thick. Friend, if you do not like my boyfriend, too fucking bad. If he is good to me and a good person in general, it does not matter to me whether or not that “weird nose-blowing thing he does” annoys you. Boyfriend, if it bothers you that my friend cannot tell her ass from her ankles (interpret this in whichever way you please, it is hypothetical, after all) I do not care. I am very selective in who I befriend and who I date, so the people that I choose to associate with mean something to me. The person that perpetuates the idea that I must choose one or the other is not the person that is going to win my favor.

I feel that it is safe to assume that even after my assessment of the BBH mindset, some people are still going to disagree. I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and guess that you a) have never been in a romantic relationship like the one I am in or b) are unable to see the issue from both sides. I will put it simply for you, then. When you really care about a man, regardless of how long you have been together or even in contact, that man is no longer expendable or just “a piece of ass,” like the ones before (that is, if that’s how you do things.) He becomes just as important, if not more than, your best friend.

Believe you me, I understand that being in a serious, serially monogamous relationship with someone can result in less time with you girlfriends or “the guys,” as I have been the girl that “favors” her boyfriend, the girl whose best friend “favors” her boyfriend, and the girl that “steals” someone from “the guys” to make him the boyfriend. All of these viewpoints are, more often than not, over-exaggerations of otherwise innocuous and perfectly understandable, not uncommon actions that are taken when one enters a new and exciting relationship. If you still do not understand, you will when you find another that is significant.

This did not exactly turned in to the post that I wanted it to be, but I guess it is hard to write something while drawing on experience and still remain completely impersonal. I do, however, maintain that this is not directed at anyone.